Response from Willy Wonka

Case ID: 17118348

Dear Mr. Hesse,
Thank you for contacting Wonka® Laffy Taffy®.
We are no longer accepting jokes for the Laffy Taffy wrappers. The jokes that appear on the Laffy Taffy® wrappers actually have been submitted by children. I would like to assure you that I have reported your comments regarding the accuracy of the answers to the jokes on the Laffy Taffy® wrappers as well as your inquiry about submitting jokes to our Marketing Personnel.

We appreciate your interest and hope you will visit our website often for the latest information on our products and promotions.

A letter to Nestlé

Today I did a little investigating on Wonka and his “Laffy” Taffy (note the sarcastic quotes around the Laffy). The Wonka website didn’t have any helpful information about Laffy Taffy. They talk about their flavors, but don’t have a complaints department, or really any contact information at all. I didn’t even see where/how one could submit their jokes. How did Brandon even get his stupid joke to Wonka in the first place?

I did find a “Nerdoodler”, where you can make a lovely artistic picture by pouring billions of Nerds on the ground. Making a mess is fun!

After pouring Nerds on the ground for 45 minutes, I decided to move the ladder and go directly to the Nestlé website. I looked over their job opportunities, both in the US and in Switzerland. They had a Labeling Specialist position open, but the description was more about working on nutritional information, and not so much about copy editing their Laffy Taffy jokes. I did find contact info on the Nestlé site, and sent them the following email:

I have some questions about your Laffy Taffy product, and could not find any contact info on the Wonka website.

1- How can I submit my jokes to Laffy Taffy?

2- Do you have a proofreader or copy editor for these submissions?

The second question is important to me because I have recently read some Laffy Taffy jokes that I found quite confusing. For example… (jokes from last blog)

If you need a good proofreader for your Laffy Taffy jokes I would like to apply for that position. It hurts my inner child to see these kind of mistakes associated with the good Wonka name.

Worst Laffy Taffy Joke EVER

From my banana Laffy Taffy wrapper:

Question:

Answer:

WHAT?!

The setup is fine. I was looking forward to a clever response after the setup. "Which garden has the most vegetables?" Hmm. That's a good one. I don't know. I'm sure the answer will be quite comical!

And"Flash Garden" itself could be a good punchline to a joke, because it sounds a lot like Flash Gordon.

But together? No, Brandon. Your joke = fail. Just off the top of my head I can think of several better setups for that punchline:

Q: What did the gardener call his garden after planting all the flower "bulbs"?

A: Flash Garden!

Q: What did Eve say to Adam after she ate from the Tree of Knowledge and saw Adam walking around naked?

A: What is this, Flash Garden?

I can also think of a better response for that setup:

Q: What garden has the most vegetables?

A: An Olive Garden full of comatose patients! ... because there are vegetables at Olive Garden, and people in comas are "vegetables." Get it?

Of course you do. Because it makes sense, the way dumb Laffy Taffy jokes are supposed to make sense. Willy Wonka, how dare you print Brandon's joke. HOW DARE YOU!

Better than Work on Monday, Item 1

In a few weeks I'll be changing my work schedule to work 4 days a week instead of 5. No more Mondays! I'm excited. An extra day to sleep in, run around outside, run errands, read, do some writing, play games, watch DVDs... all better than a Monday in the office.

And while thinking of things that are better than work, thoughts of a little known, but fantastically amazing, cartoon popped into my head: THE TERRIBLE THUNDER LIZARDS! Does anyone else remember this show? Basically it was about some dinosaur mercenaries that were after two stupid little cavemen, Bill and Scooter. Scooter would accidentally invents things like the wheel and bowling while Bill would always get set on fire, struck by lightning, stung by bees, hit by rocks, etc. It was a great show, and I want to watch it again right now!