Smell ya later, 2009

Last year I was pretty impressed by DJ Earworm's "United State of Pop" in which he mashed up the top 25 songs from 2008. Well, Earworm slapped together another version for the top 25 of 2009. I recognized more artists and songs this year than I did last year, but (much like 2008 vs. 2009 in general) I don't think it's as good as last year. Still pretty neat to see how he blended all of them together though. Pretty heavy on the "electronica" sound. I like Kings of Leon and Black Eyed Peas, this was the first time I've heard any Miley Ray Cyrus in any way, shape or form, I thought Beyonce looked hilarious at 2:15 and 2:38, and Taylor Swift is frickin' adorable.

That's all I really wanted to post, but while I'm blogging I might as well post a few thoughts from the last year. I don't have any resolutions, in case you were wondering. My favorite movie of 2009 was District 9 (I'm set to see Avatar later today, so regardless of how good it actually is it'll take the early lead as favorite movie for 2010). My favorite sports moments of 2009 were Mike Redmond's triple, establishing Denard's Retards, and the Twins winning Game 163. Most disappointing sports moment of 2009 was game 2 of the playoffs vs. the Yankees. I'm excited to see the new ballpark and another division championship for the Twins in 2010.

My favorite moment of 2009 was in March when I took a vacation with friends to Puerto Rico, during which my new favorite nickname for a friend (Thomas "Crapper") was created. I also received a great new nickname this year playing Ultimate for Plowed ("Crazy Ivan"). I was given a few nicknames with Plowed, but "Crazy Ivan" was my favorite, and this summer was the first time I played Frisbee with a nickname other than "Little B". "El Muro" didn't pan out, but the team's "Cra-zy I-van!" chants at Sectionals and the end-of-year Plowed party still bring a smile to my face.

I hope your 2009 was a good one and that 2010 will be even better. As always, thanks to anyone who reads my stuff. Happy new year!

Movie Review: Sherlock Holmes

If you haven't watched Sherlock Holmes yet and want to without anything being spoiled, stop reading now. You have been given your due warning. On to the review.

First the positives: I am a fan of Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law. RDJ may be type-cast as a brilliant drunk (Iron Man, Holmes), but stick with your strengths I guess. I liked how Watson scolded him for drinking eye medicine. Overall I thought the Holmes/Watson interactions were great. They didn't give much background as to why they were partners in crime, but you could believe that they have each others' back. My favorite part was when they were at dinner with Mary and Holmes was showing off his powers of deduction. I think she overreacted with the wine in the face bit, but the "I know your life story by looking at you" was fun and I wanted to see more of that in the movie. Holmes did it when catching a glimpse at Professor Moriarty, but those were the only personal analyses. I also enjoyed his smoke screen against Blackwood's right-hand man (I forget his name).

Jude Law makes for a good Watson. I think they gave Holmes a little too much medicinal knowledge, and wish Watson picked up a few of the clues himself. They set him up to be a badass fighter with Holmes talking about his gambling and brawling days. I expected a little more when Watson was fighting the big giant guy at the end, instead of just taking him down with a long sleeper hold. That's a fine finisher, but I expected him to throw in some punches or something. I'm surprised he never got mad or really gave much thought about losing the first engagement ring with the fight against "meat and potatoes." I know it set up the BIG ring at the end, but for as big a fuss as they made about him buying Mary the ring, they sure didn't notice it when he lost it.

I liked the London Bridge setting. Plenty of movies end with the top-of-the-tower battle scene, but the under-construction landmark was a good spot to finally hang Blackwood for his crimes of practicing the dark arts and murder. I thought having Blackwood as the villain and having him also be Professor Moriarty's pawn was a good idea. They could bring in Moriarty right away for a sequel, or they could just continue to do these movies and always just have Moriarty behind the scenes to slowly build on his long-term evil plans.

I think Guy Ritchie was a great choice for director. I admit I haven't seen anything he's done besides Lock, Stock and Snatch, but looking at those two films and how he's pretty talented at tying up all the loose ends and the end of a film, an absolute necessity for a Sherlock Holmes story, I completely agree with the directing choice. I'll comment later on the "how I solved it" rundown, which was good I guess, but I wish it was phenomenal like the ending of Snatch (which might be in my top-20 movies of all time. I'd have to think about that). Who knows, maybe I would've liked Holmes better had I not seen anything from Guy Ritchie before. Credit to him for setting that expectation, even if he only mostly pulled it off.

Now I start to get in to the negatives. Holmes has to pick up clues to solve the crimes, and I'm fine with Holmes having a bunch of things to solve, but some solutions were more satisfying than others. I knew Blackwood would stop/slow his pulse with a toxin of some sort before they even hung him, so that wasn't too special. The copper/bathwater murder was better, but a little lame that all the clues just happen to be on the midget's workbench. Here we have the dried flower, next to the copper pot of dead frogs, which is next to the poisoned dead rat. Good thing they found that workbench!

How did Holmes solve the burn victim one? I liked the "rain" chemical that ignited when the guy shot his pistol, but did Holmes even inspect that body? I don't recall that happening.

The worst parts for me where the ends to the action sequences. The first was the boat giant hammer fight, that ended with Watson diving to cover Holmes. I would've been more satisfied if the boat rolled over him, Watson would gasp with a "Oh my gosh, has my pal just been run over?" look, and Holmes would then sit up with a, "good golly, it's lucky these trenches are 28 1/2 inches deep, allowing me to lie unscathed" shrug. Holmes being okay, sitting up, looking confused like a sleepy drunk, then Watson diving and covering them both up at the last second... meh. It just didn't fit in well for me. It was like they tried to cram one last piece of action in that action segment, which somehow made it dumber instead of more awesome.

Even worse though was when they were saving Irene from the slaughter. The fire and the saw were perfectly fine. They covered up to get through the fire, Watson helped with the valves, they jammed the saw temporarily and then started to try and break the conveyer, but the ending was again unsatisfying. I don't mind that Holmes gets his hat sawed, but did it get sawed off and then as they broke the conveyer, Holmes twisted in order to push Irene closer to the saw blades? It was crazy monkey physics, and you didn't need multiple close calls with the saw. They should've broken the conveyer, fell to the ground, and THEN have Holmes' hat split in two, ending the scene with a "Phew, that was a close call, I almost died saving you" moment, instead of the "phew, I almost died and then saved you and you almost died again anyway" moment. Again, they just seemed to tack a bit much to that action sequence.

Not sure if I'd put this last action sequence in as a "dislike", more just confusing, but when everything was blowing up after Watson hit the tripwire and Holmes is running around, I thought "Where the hell is he trying to go?" He ran towards Watson, then towards Irene, then kinda forward, then back towards Watson, then back again. I like the crate-shield he used to protect himself, but as methodical as Holmes is I found the back and forth running around in the explosions odd. Maybe that was the point- your buddy and your gal and you are trapped in explosions, and even the most analytical mind would panic... but he still had presence of mind to shield himself with the crate, so I don't think that was it. It just looked weird. Plus, you'd think Watson would've learned to watch his step after the opening scene where he nearly stabbed his face going after Blackwood, or at least you'd think Holmes would've jokingly said (in a way that suggests, "I almost lost you, buddy!") "I told you to keep your eyes open" when he was visiting Watson dressed up as a doctor.

The run-down at the end by Holmes on how he solved everything was good, but it was pretty much just him bragging, wasn't it? No one ever asked him, "Holmes, how on Earth did you deduce all that?" A minor quibble, but why not have him explain it all to Lestrade or Watson, or better yet, have Watson AND Holmes explain it, with Watson providing some of the medical insight, instead of Holmes solving everything himself.

My biggest sore point is the fact that the murders drew out a frickin' map. I don't mind Blackwood murdering people to make it look like he's a badass magician. Kill the girl in a pagan sacrifice, kill your dad and steal his power ring and take his chair, kill the officer who opposes you with fire to scare and awe your followers- I'm cool with all of that. But to have the murders draw out an "X marks the spot!" on a map was just stupid from the otherwise brilliant Blackwood. Holmes figured out who Blackwood's right-hand man was by his shoes, he could've gotten to him with the "Lestrade's arresting me!" ruse, and gotten the location of Blackwood's final theatrical mass-murder plot during the smoke-screen scene. Drawing the location out on a map? Dumb.

Ending with the long list of negatives after the long list of positives probably makes it sound like I hated the movie, but I didn't. I thought Sherlock Holmes was an okay movie. I didn't dislike it, but I didn't love it. I thought it was fine for an after-Christmas movie activity, and in the future if it was on TV or something, I could watch it again. I probably wouldn't buy it on DVD for my movie collection though until it was marked down to $3, or if they keep going with the Sherlock Holmes movies and the sequel(s) turn out to be amazing (which, building on the strong characters, they very well could be).

Christmas wrap-up

Since the last post I have eaten lots of beef and chocolate and cookies and pie and drank beer and got presents. Christmas was good again this year. I highly recommend Rise & Fall, Rage & Grace by The Offspring. I had been thinking of picking it up for awhile, got it for Christmas, and really enjoy it. By far one of the best Offspring albums ever.

I also got a Transformers toy from my pal Dave. Even if the new Transformers movies are terrible, I'm happy to report that Hasbro still makes good Transformers toys. Far less dangerous than the ones I had growing up (fewer sharp edges, no guns that shoot small missiles, fewer accessories to choke on, etc.), but still fun to transform from car to robot and back again.

The day after Christmas was my 10-yr high school reunion (a.k.a. high "shool", per this page in my 1999 year book). There were the people who I still see and hang out with today, a few people I haven't seen in ages and was glad to catch up with, people who I knew but didn't care about but had to feign interest and excitement in seeing, and a great big group of people I had no recollection of ever meeting in my life. Name tags were sometimes helpful, but other times I still had no idea who I was talking to.

One example: one fellow stoppped me and was all excited, "Ben! What's happening? Fill me in on what you've been up to since high school!" His name tag was sort of curled and I couldn't even read it. I told him my life story, he happily clapped me on the back and as he strode away I was finally able to catch the name tag: Eric Simmons. Eric Simmons... Eric Simmons... Hmmm. Nope, no idea. Was he the guy who I went to school with who also lived directly across the street from me? I think so. That's probably why he was talking to me.

Much later in the eveing I ran into Kevin Simmons. Ah! Kevin is the one who lived across the street from me! ... So, who the heck is Eric Simmons? No idea, but we're probably bestest buddies now, and I'm looking forward to the 2019 reunion already.

Weekly round-up; the attempt continues

Lucky Charms announced that they'll be cutting down on the sugar in their cereal and Spaghetti Os will be lowering the amount of sodium. As Lucky Charms and Spaghetti Os make up 95% of my meals, I can keep my 2010 resolution to eat healthier without doing anything different!


I went to the grocery store the other day to pick up a few things, and got some great coupons from the register. Normally the coupons that print out in some way represent the food that you just purchased; when you buy bread you'll get a coupon for bread, when you buy pizza, you'll get a coupon for pizza, etc. I bought milk, cereal, Sprite, 2 cheap frozen dinners, and pudding. The register printed out coupons for Excedrin, Prevacid, and adult Depends. Okay, I bought Sprite and pudding, so maybe they printed up the Prevacid thinking I had an upset tummy or something. $5.00 off Depends? Uh, great, thanks!

A coworker of mine came back from vacationing in Mexico and showed us her jellyfish stings (GROSS). When I was living in Belgium, my class took a trip to the beaches of Normandy for a few days. On the beach were a whole bunch of jellyfish that just got stuck there when the tide went down. I remember it was pretty cold, so no one went swimming, but we did have time to just play on the beach. We built some sandcastles and then took our pails and shovels and walked around scooping up jellyfish. They were pretty small, but they were everywhere, and we'd just scoop 'em up and throw them in the bucket until it was full of a couple dozen blobs, and then we'd take the bucket and fling them back towards the water. I have no idea if they were alive, dead or poisonous. I just remember them being goopy and gross... so I had to play with them.

Weekly round-up

I haven't blogged in a few weeks, and don't have anything exceptional to share. I think I might try to do a weekly round-up of quick random thoughts and stories, and if anyone comments on them it might spawn a longer post or two. So, here goes:

1- I had lunch with two coworkers today, and found out that neither of them had ever been in a ball pit. I felt sorry for them.

2- I think December is the only month in the year where I don't have regulalry scheduled Frisbee games. So it's probably my least favorite month of the year.

3- Boof Bonser got traded from the Twins to the Red Sox. A friend and I have sent several emails back and forth about how the Red Sox are going to make him a star or he's somehow working undercover for the Twins. We turned the idea into a TV series, and have the plot lines for at least 6 episodes so far.

4- I watched about 15 minutes of SNL this week. I thought they did some good UPS whiteboard commercials. Hulu!

5- Finally, I'm often too preoccupied to really get into any sort of "holiday spirit" until around Christmas Eve. This video of the Christmas tree going up in the Great Hall at SJU is pretty uplifting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rd-XigVFVTY

Response from Willy Wonka

Case ID: 17118348

Dear Mr. Hesse,
Thank you for contacting Wonka® Laffy Taffy®.
We are no longer accepting jokes for the Laffy Taffy wrappers. The jokes that appear on the Laffy Taffy® wrappers actually have been submitted by children. I would like to assure you that I have reported your comments regarding the accuracy of the answers to the jokes on the Laffy Taffy® wrappers as well as your inquiry about submitting jokes to our Marketing Personnel.

We appreciate your interest and hope you will visit our website often for the latest information on our products and promotions.

A letter to Nestlé

Today I did a little investigating on Wonka and his “Laffy” Taffy (note the sarcastic quotes around the Laffy). The Wonka website didn’t have any helpful information about Laffy Taffy. They talk about their flavors, but don’t have a complaints department, or really any contact information at all. I didn’t even see where/how one could submit their jokes. How did Brandon even get his stupid joke to Wonka in the first place?

I did find a “Nerdoodler”, where you can make a lovely artistic picture by pouring billions of Nerds on the ground. Making a mess is fun!

After pouring Nerds on the ground for 45 minutes, I decided to move the ladder and go directly to the Nestlé website. I looked over their job opportunities, both in the US and in Switzerland. They had a Labeling Specialist position open, but the description was more about working on nutritional information, and not so much about copy editing their Laffy Taffy jokes. I did find contact info on the Nestlé site, and sent them the following email:

I have some questions about your Laffy Taffy product, and could not find any contact info on the Wonka website.

1- How can I submit my jokes to Laffy Taffy?

2- Do you have a proofreader or copy editor for these submissions?

The second question is important to me because I have recently read some Laffy Taffy jokes that I found quite confusing. For example… (jokes from last blog)

If you need a good proofreader for your Laffy Taffy jokes I would like to apply for that position. It hurts my inner child to see these kind of mistakes associated with the good Wonka name.

Worst Laffy Taffy Joke EVER

From my banana Laffy Taffy wrapper:

Question:

Answer:

WHAT?!

The setup is fine. I was looking forward to a clever response after the setup. "Which garden has the most vegetables?" Hmm. That's a good one. I don't know. I'm sure the answer will be quite comical!

And"Flash Garden" itself could be a good punchline to a joke, because it sounds a lot like Flash Gordon.

But together? No, Brandon. Your joke = fail. Just off the top of my head I can think of several better setups for that punchline:

Q: What did the gardener call his garden after planting all the flower "bulbs"?

A: Flash Garden!

Q: What did Eve say to Adam after she ate from the Tree of Knowledge and saw Adam walking around naked?

A: What is this, Flash Garden?

I can also think of a better response for that setup:

Q: What garden has the most vegetables?

A: An Olive Garden full of comatose patients! ... because there are vegetables at Olive Garden, and people in comas are "vegetables." Get it?

Of course you do. Because it makes sense, the way dumb Laffy Taffy jokes are supposed to make sense. Willy Wonka, how dare you print Brandon's joke. HOW DARE YOU!

Better than Work on Monday, Item 1

In a few weeks I'll be changing my work schedule to work 4 days a week instead of 5. No more Mondays! I'm excited. An extra day to sleep in, run around outside, run errands, read, do some writing, play games, watch DVDs... all better than a Monday in the office.

And while thinking of things that are better than work, thoughts of a little known, but fantastically amazing, cartoon popped into my head: THE TERRIBLE THUNDER LIZARDS! Does anyone else remember this show? Basically it was about some dinosaur mercenaries that were after two stupid little cavemen, Bill and Scooter. Scooter would accidentally invents things like the wheel and bowling while Bill would always get set on fire, struck by lightning, stung by bees, hit by rocks, etc. It was a great show, and I want to watch it again right now!

Prepare to Die

For Halloween I took a "Hello, My Name Is:" name tag and wrote "Inigo Montoya", slapped it on and went to work. So far about 98% of my coworkers have not understood the reference. I have spent much of my day explaining that "there's this movie with this character that says this line...". I've also had some fun interactions with the few people who've heard of Inigo. Some of the conversations so far:

"But, you don't have the boots... or the sword... or the puffy shirt and vest... and you don't really look like him at all."

(Coworker looks at name tag, without getting any explanation about costume):

"Oh, you're a Spanish guy? Are you going to speak Spanish all day?"

"He wears a name tag in the movie?"

Dave: "Maybe you should have referenced a more popular movie."

Ben: "The Princess Bride actually is a pretty popular movie."

Dave: "Well, maybe you should've done something from Star Wars. I've heard of Star Wars. Like, you could have a name tag that says 'Hello, my name is Chewbacca.'"

Zombie Wrasslin'

Zombies are kind of a big deal these days. I recently finished reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, I've heard good things about Zombieland, and zombies don't get hiccups. Zombies are just the bees knees right now. I like zombies.

You know what else I like? Wrestling. (Or at least I used to. I haven't watched any WWE in quite a long time, but I used to like it a whole bunch.)

So what do you get when you combine these two awesome/nerdy things? River of Darkness! That's the title of a zombie movie that's in production right now that's going to star my all-time favorite wrestler/Olympic gold medalist, Kurt Angle. Angle was such a hilarious tool on the mic, and he was a crazy-entertaining wrestler too. In the movie he'll be playing the role of a sheriff of a small town that has to fight zombies.

"So what?" you say. Yeah, this story doesn't sound super original or anything, and even though I think Kurt Angle is hilarious and awesome, it's not like he'd make a better zombie fighter than The Rock or Woody from Cheers. But what I really dig is that the zombies are ALSO going to be played by wrestlers! HA! (There's a bunch of wrestlers in this movie that'll be zombies, but the only other name I recognized was Kevin Nash).

You think they're going to hire a bunch of wrestlers to play zombies just so they can walk around slowly and groan? Hell no! Those zombies are going to be choke-slamming and clothes-lining innocent civilians, and Angle's going to hit them with chairs and make zombies tap out of the ankle lock! I'm more excited to see this than just about anything ever. And that was before I saw the poster:

You can't arrest the dead! NO YOU CAN NOT! Not when they're zombie wrestlers! You half-nelson them all the way to Hell!

Get your popcorn ready!

I've been getting e-mails form iUniverse ever since I self-published with them 2 1/2 years ago. They send me e-mails with deals on book orders, new author news, marketing materials, etc. Mostly I take a quick glance then delete them and forget about my book for awhile until the next e-mail or small royalty check shows up. The last e-mail though was about their latest marketing tool, the Hollywood Book Trailer. "Professional film makers will create a live-action book trailer of your iUniverse title." Then they get an agent to look at the trailer and the agent tries to sell it to Universal, Time Warner, Sony, etc. Cool.

I don't need to see my book made into a movie, but it'd be kinda fun to see how they'd condense "Memoirs of a Gaijin" into a 60-90 second clip. Hopefully they'd capture all the comedy and pain of teaching kids' classes somewhere in there (I see two Japanese children hanging from the top of the door while a couple other kids violently swing it back and forth, and in the background two more kids choke each other in the window blinds. The American frantically tries to save them from death, they drop-kick him, their parents watch and laugh. ACTION!).

How much? O, only $19,990!! Yowza. Okay, maybe no Hollywood book trailer for me. At least not until I'm an eccentric billionaire with money to burn. But if you're looking to invest in a big-screen adaptation, I'll gladly accept donations!

CLUE: Cool Spies and Avada Kedavra

I'm moving out of my apartment and into a town home in less than 2 weeks, so I'm currently busy dusting and scrubbing and vacuuming and stuff. (Hey, I have a vacuum cleaner! Who knew?) I've even started taking down all the beerymids and deconstructing the furniture I made out of mostly empty pizza boxes! Mom would be proud.

Anyway, I swung by the store to pick up some cleaning supplies and happened to pass the game aisle and my eye caught sight of this: Clue (Secrets and Spies). At first I didn't see the "Secret and Spies" part of it, and just thought that Clue got all hepped up on crazy pills. On the box: "Get game changing spy texts sent to your phone!" What the frick?! How many games did you play as a kid that involved getting text messages? And can you even play this if you don't have a cell phone? (I'm not sure- there weren't any reviews on Amazon).

I flipped over the box. All the characters are agents now. Agent Scarlett, Agent Mustard, Agent Peacock, etc. And instead of going to the library or the conservatory I guess they go to Tokyo or Paris. Which sounds a lot more like "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" than Clue, but whatever.

The last thing I noticed was a score tally on the side of the board. You start as a "Novice Spy" and get points somehow to work your way up the spy hierarchy. It goes Novice Spy, Cool Spy, Ace Spy, Master Spy, Super Spy and finally Ultimate Spy. I don't think the hierarchy is very good. When I think of spies, I think of James Bond. And when I think of James Bond, I think "Cool Spy." And if I were playing Clue: Secrets and Spies, I'd be pretty content calling it a day after achieving "Cool Spy" status. And furthermore, I'd make fun of any spy who was called an "Ace Spy", even if that meant they could kill me in an awesome way with a crazy gadget (like a cellphone! Aaah!)

In looking over the other Clue boards on Amazon, it looks like regular Clue got modernized and now Col. Mustard is a football player or some B.S. Harry Potter Clue looks like more fun that the Secrets and Spies one, though it doesn't look like there's a murder victim in this one. "Dumbledore was killed by Snape in the Tower with Avada Kedavra!" or "Cedric Diggory was killed by Voldemort in the Cemetary with Avada Kedavra!" ...Okay, so maybe the "murder weapon" would be pretty easy to figure out in that version.

What does the "MM" in "MMA" stand for?

The answer is MIGHTY MORPHIN!!

I saw an article on Yahoo news that the guy who used to play the Green Ranger on Mighty Morphin Power Rangers is trying to get into MMA (mixed martial arts).

Awesome. I think Power Rangers were big when I was in 6th or 7th grade. I remember thinking they were really, really stupid, but I kept watching them anyway for some reason. Probably because they kicked things and punched things and the Pink Ranger was cute.

I remember the Green Ranger too. He had a knife that was also a whistle that summoned his robot dragon, and then he lost all his powers or died or something. Then a White Power Ranger showed up and everyone was like, "Who is the mysterious White Ranger?" But it just turned out to be the Green Ranger with a new color scheme. So, I kinda got into them for a brief period, and then got over it.

I don't watch MMA, but if they marched out former Power Rangers to fight in the cage, I'd totally subscribe. Especially if right before the bell he yelled, "It's Morphin Time!"

Gesundheit

I was looking out the window and saw someone walking outside have one giant sneeze. Their hands were full, so they didn't cover their nose, and since they were outside and I was inside I didn't hear the sneeze. This, by the way, was hilarious. It looked like they were just walking through the parking lot and then decided to do one solid rockin' headbang! (I'm walking... I'm walking... I'M ROCKING!!! I'm walking...). If I ever go deaf, this would be my silver lining.

Cement Trucks and Marriage Proposals... This is Twins Territory

I drove home for lunch today and a big cement truck was following me. It was all new and shiny, painted in blue and red, and the spinning cement mixer part of it was painted like a baseball, with seems on it and a Twins logo. It looked pretty sweet because as the mixer part was spinning it looked like a giant rotating baseball was following me (or "tailing" me).

So I was driving down 169 being chased by a 60-mph tailing fastball. (60mph tailing fastball?! Was Jesse Crain driving? Hi-oooo!)

On Monday I went to the Twins game with my pal, Jeff. He said, "Sure is a perfect night for outdoor baseball!" Sigh. A little over 7 months away from Opening Day, 2010.

At the game there was a wedding proposal on the big screen. I've been to 9 Twins games this year, and have seen marriage proposals at 3 of them (All of them said "Yes", by the way). Is there a less creative way to propose than at a sporting event? If you're going to do it at the Dome, at least bribe the proper people to make sure your row is also the Hormel hot dog "Row of Fame", and get them to put the ring in her hot dog wrapper. Everyone at the game would sing the Hormal "Row of Fame" song, you'd be on the video board getting your hot dogs, and then just keep them up on the video board and jump into the down-on-one-knee procedure. C'Mon!

Summer Frisbee season has wound down, so you probably won't have to wait a month and a half between blog posts. Go Twins!

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire, Toby Gardenhire

I blogged a bunch about baseball last season, but this year I haven’t blogged about baseball at all, other than mentioning the game I went to while in Puerto Rico. Time to correct that injustice (with a practically-not-at-all-baseball-related story).

There’s an ad that’s been playing on the radio during Twins games featuring Twins manager Ron Gardenhire. He and his son Toby walk into a hardware store Ron talks about how great it is because they’re old-fashioned folks who will understand your needs. Toby is acting all “modern” listening to IPods or texting or something.

At the end of the commercial Ron asks Toby, “Now what are you doing?” Toby replies, in modern kid-slang, “I’m Twittering my homies about this totally radical hardware store. It’s Dy-no-mite!” (He does Twitter in the commercial, but the actual phrasing I can’t remember, so I made it up). Then Ron Gardenhire acts all confused about Twitter and his cool, hip son.

So I investigated. There’s one Ron Gardenhire listed on Twitter, but no Toby Gardenhire. SHENANIGANS! I have been lied to by my trustworthy local hardware store!

Also, the Ron Gardenhire one is likely fake, as the updates consist of taking naps, watching TV, and his enthusiastic thoughts of getting ejected.

Apr.24- “Going to check out the Springsteen exhibit at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Maybe live footage will fire me up for an ejection tonight.”

Apr.13- “I'm thinking about getting thrown out of the game tonight. Too much Easter candy. Gardy's tummy hurts.”

I HAVE THE POWER!!!!

Last night at Biff's this lady was walking around handing out free samples of ultraSHOT- an energy supplement thing. She said that she liked hers with a shot of tequila, but her husband mixes his with Mountain Dew. (Holy crap! Mixing energy supplements with MOUNTAIN DEW!) We quickly took some samples so she'd go away, but I didn't see anyone actually consume the ultraSHOT. We did read all the fun information on the packet though.

Awesome facts about ultraSHOT:

Contains the ingredient "Horny Goat Weed". I looked this up online and found that (quoting a random google website) "according to folklore, horny goat weed's reputed aphrodisiac qualities were discovered when a Chinese goat herder noticed increased sexual activity in his flock after they ingested the weed." So... not just a clever name.

Let's take a look at the daily values. Calories: 1% , Carbs: 1%, Sugars: Crucifix. CRUCIFIX?!

Warnings: The usual "Don't consume if pregnant" one is on there. The funny warning though is that it might cause your skin to turn red. Cool.

Their website has pictures of athletes (soccer player, tennis player, etc.) and they all look like they're being struck by lightning.

My Breakdown of 21st Century Breakdown

I told you I'd post about the new Green Day eventually. Yeah, it's been out for about a month now, the second single is playing on the radio, and anyone who likes Green Day probably has already picked up 21st Century Breakdown and listened to it several times. So I'm not sure what service, if any, I'm doing by blogging about it. But it's my blog, and I can do what I want, so there.

I'll start by saying that I like 21st Century Breakdown. I like it, but not nearly as much as American Idiot (which might be in my top-5 albums of all time). American Idiot greatly surprised me when it came out. Before even listening to American Idiot I remember thinking "Holy crap, some 9-minute-long songs? From GREEN DAY??" Politically charged and angry, just about every song on the album made me want to jump and scream along and do the rock-hand thing. It was a perfect Green Day album.

I didn't expect 21st C.B. to match Ameican Idiot, because I didn't think it could surprise me like American Idiot surprised me, and I didn't think it could be as politically charged as American Idiot. Green Day and I hate George W. Bush, so American Idiot was awesome. Green Day and I like Obama... so what should we rage/rock about now? Uh, not much I guess. Green Day keeps the rock-opera formula that they used for Idiot, but really it's just story-telling with 21st C.B. instead of protesting. The first track "Song of the Century" is a little melodic poem that even says "tell us a story..." in the lyrics. I could honestly see their new album performed as a high school play someday, and the parents would think it delightful.

I don't know if this should be taken as an insult or a compliment, but the new Green Day sounds a lot like Green Day. By that I mean many of their songs sound very similar to older Green Day songs. For example, "Peacemaker", which is actually one of my favorite tracks, is just a good ol' fashioned goofy jump around, sing aloud song, but it does sound a lot like a mashup of two older Green Day songs. It's got the fun and pep of "King for a Day" from their Nimrod album, and sounds an awful lot like a faster paced version of "Misery" from the Warning album.

As a whole, I felt like 21st C.B. pretty much took my favorite song from American Idiot, "Jesus of Suburbia", and stretched it out into 18 tracks. In doing so there are still elements of awesomeness, but it's diluted compared to the "compact" 9-minute version on Idiot, and the songs are more about religion than politics.

It probably sounds like I'm hating on the album, when I did enjoy it. My favorite song is probably "¡Viva La Gloria!" I like the image of Gloria "blasting" her name in graffiti, and as a Minnesotan I like the lyric "she smashed her knuckles into winter". I also enjoyed the lyric on the second track (also titled "21st Century Breakdown"), "I never made it as a working class hero". A couple years ago Green Day did a cover of John Lennon's Working Class Hero, which I liked a lot. I enjoy little nods like this.

Tangent: I liked it here, and I liked it in Terminator: Salvation. John Conner is waging war against the machines and there are bullets and robots and explosions and cool stuff goin' down, and he takes a moment to flick on a tape player to blast GNR's "You Could Be Mine". Get it? Because he totally did that when he was a kid in T2! Woooo! Rock hand!

Bottom line: not the greatest Green Day album ever... heck, it might even be one of the worst as far as having something to throw on and just rock out to... but there are still some good tunes on there, and it's nice to have more Green Day. 3/5 stars (and yes, 3 stars puts it in the running for worst Green Day album ever, even though it's pretty good).

Plowed, Panic, Chip Day II

Over the weekend I played in an Ultimate Frisbee tournament in Kansas City. It was hot, and my face is a little burnt, but my team ("Plowed") did pretty well for our first tourney of 2009, coming in third place.

Friday I jumped in a carpool to head down to KC, and my driver had picked up some books on tape for the journey. We listened to "Panic", a spy murder-mystery thing. Whenever they actually said "panic" I yelled, "PANIC!" This was funny (to me) because for the first three discs they said it a lot. Then they didn't say it at all for like, 2 1/2 hours. By that time it was pretty dark out, and most of the passengers were in snooze mode, so when it was finally said again and I yelled, they all jerked awake and our driver nearly swerved off the road.

Sunday was the best as we won 3 of our 4 games, and the one game we lost was on Universe point, but we ended up beating that team later in the day in the 3rd place game.

We got back late Sunday night and I've since discovered that my fridge is busted. All my ice cubes in the freezer melted. The condiments in my fridge are warm. Good thing I didn't have much real food in there. I'm excited for Chip Day, but need a cold beverage to fully enjoy it. I'm trying to decide if Chex Mix counts, or if I can get a bag of that too without it being considered cheating.

Bored-Ben Blog Breakdown

Been meaning to blog for awhile, but haven't had much time with the combination of a new training release at work and the summer Frisbee season starting up. I'm playing on a Tuesday night league, a Thursday night league, and a club team this year, which practices Wednesdays and Sundays. Throw in some Twins games, BBQs, parties, studying for a LOMA (Life Office Management Association) test, and watching 24 and you can see I've been pretty swamped. And things look to stay busy for awhile too. I'm set to have fun in Milwaukee, Kansas City and Toronto over the next few weeks. Anyway, sorry for lack of blogness. I've wanted to blog about the new Green Day album, 21st Century Breakdown. Unless I have other adventuresome stories to share, that'll probably be what I sit down and write about next... sometime in June.

Chip Day at Last!

I forgot to mention this in the last blog about fitness, but I'm excited that April's over, because that means today is Chip Day!

When I need a snack I generally go for the salty over the sweets. A few months ago I discovered that the only food in my apartment were condiments and 4-6 different bags of chips, all somewhere between half and three-quarters empty. This was approximately right between New Years and Lent, so I decided to make a resolution: Buy only 1 bag of chips per month.

So far I've been good about keeping this goal, even though it usually means I go without potato chips from approximately the 5th to the 30th/31st of the month. Last month it was Cool Ranch Doritos. This month- to be determined. Maybe tortilla chips to get me through Cinco de Mayo. In any case, soon I'll have chips and condiments again, instead of just condiments. It's a big day.

And, you learn something new everyday: March 14th is National Potato Chip Day! That might have to be a 2-bag month.

April Rundown

I realize I haven't blogged much this month, and this one won't be epic, but I thought I could give some random updates to round out the month.

I've been getting outside a bit more recently in a sad attempt to get in shape for summer Ultimate. I have ambitions of playing Tuesday and Thursday league, and maybe making a club team as well. Coincidentally, employees at work have been encouraged to join the Presidential Fitness Challenge, so I've been tracking my fitness. My company said I'd get a free t-shirt and everything!

When you log your exercise you pick the activity from a drop-down menu. And, what impressed me, they actually had Ultimate Frisbee as an option. Hooray! Another option: Playing Wii. More hooray! So, I've been getting really super fit every day.

Mostly I've just been going on walks in random directions around Plymouth. I found a pretty good four-square court nearby, and also someone put a really rusty, busted up refrigerator with no door out on their lawn with a sign on it that said, "FREE! Works GREAT!" (with "Great" underlined 4 times). I liked that, because that's totally what I would've said on the note if I wrote it.

I guess that's about it for now. Here's a nice Ultimate story as well that my pal José found. Have a nice day.

news story

Just found out the other day that a highschool friend of mine got busted for his "meth lab". Here's the story. I was good friends with Greg in highschool, but really only saw him once or twice after starting college. I hadn't seen or spoken to him in at least 8 years. I don't have anything witty or comical to say- it's just kinda weird.

This may be the stupidest thing ever

If you're a fan of the TV show House, and you happened to miss tonight's episode but Tivo'd it, you should probably see it before reading on. Spoiler alert! Hmm. Been doin' that a bit recently.

So, I like House, but this season has been sub-par at best. Last week they touted this episode as the most shocking thing ever. And then we find out that Kutner shot himself in the head. Wow, okay, that was a surprise.

I wasn't happy when they killed off cutthroat bitch, and I wasn't happy about this. Kutner wasn't the greatest character ever, but he was certainly more likable than Foreman, Taub and 13. Is it the show's mission to just keep the most worthless human beings on as House's sideicks? I know the show is a medical drama, but it used to have some good sarcastic comedy thrown in. House's exchanges with Wilson and Cuddy used to be fun, and now they're usually just depressing. And, though they did have a clinic visit in this episode, it seems they've cut down on those as well, and those were usually used as comic relief... but in this episode it was about a beauty pageant child getting drunk like Mommy. HAHAHAHA! Get it? Yeah, not so much.

But putting all of that aside, I still haven't talked about the dumbest thing ever. The episode ends, and there's a message from NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness) with contact info if you feel suicidal and want help. So, there's a message being delivered and you think they'd end on that serious tone. Then they show a preview for next week, and then... (stupidest thing ever) ... they give you the website to the online Kutner memorial. Seriously? An online memorial for a TV show character? Right after you give a message about how serious depression and suicide is, you give us a fun interactive website about a TV character's death? You have got to be f***in' kidding me.

I checked it out, because I was in awe of the stupidity of this idea. They have notes written on stationary "from the desk of" all the other characters, his obituary (which informs us that he enjoyed water polo), and they have a Kutner memorial video, which is two minutes worth of clips that are funnier than anything that's been on the real show for quite some time. Way to showcase the seriousness of suicide there, Fox! If I ever blow my brains out because of severe depression, please, show a gag real at my funeral.

Then they have a link to "Leave your own personal message for Dr. Kutner... and grab an embeddable badge!" Wow, a funeral AND a prize! This is the best day ever! The link just takes you to a Facebook page where there are comments from viewers ("It's like Star Wars without Han Solo", "Have fun in heaven dude") and pictures of him singing karaoke. I don't know what's dumber at this point- the fact that they made all of this, or that fact that I was looking at it.

Nowhere on the Kutner site was a link or contact info for depression (I later found one on the main House page). I searched online and checked out the National Alliance on Mental Illness website, and they have a link to buy House t-shirts that say "Normal's Overrated" with proceeds going to NAMI. I'm fine with the promotion and the awareness, but I think Fox's fake memorial page is just awful in so many ways.

Maybe I'm just bent because back before the inter-web they didn't have sh** like this. Sven bit the dust in Voltron, and Optimus Prime died a few times on Transformers, but there weren't any fake online memorials for them or for us cartoon-watching kids. And isn't it more traumatizing for a kid to see a cartoon character die than for an adult to see a character die on a TV medical drama? Ugh. End rant.

Cheers to the Oscar winner

Back in February while I was watching the Oscars I said that I wanted to see Slumdog Millionaire because it won for Best Editing (and after my post, Best Picture). I finally got around to seeing it, and liked it very much. And, in case you have yet to see Slumdog and don't want anything ruined for you, here's your official Spoiler alert. You have been fairly warned.

I agree the editing was superb as the often tragic events of the past meshed well with the game show and lost love storylines. In many ways the movie reminded me of Life is Beautiful. The protagonist tries crazy things to win the girl, family members save loved ones from doom via self-sacrifice, etc. I really liked Slumdog, but the funny parts didn't make me laugh, nor did the tragic parts make my eyes water, as much they did in Life is Beautiful (which is easily in my top 50 films ever... maybe even in my top 20).

But after giving it some more thought, I guess what Slumdog most reminds me of is the Cheers episode where Cliff was on Jeopardy with how all the questions tie in perfectly with the character (1:00-1:15 of this clip). What if a contestant goes on a popular game show and all the questions synced up with that character's experiences? I didn't know much about the story before seeing the film, but as soon as I saw this was how the entire story was going to be tied together, the movie lost a little of its mystique. Again, the movie was well put together and I really enjoyed it, but if there's going to be an "AHA!" moment, I prefer it to be later in the movie instead of so early.

The only thing that really puzzled me was (Spolier alert!) why Salim buried himself in a tub full of money for his shootout with the gang boss. He could've taken the money and fled, but I can accept that he decided to finish off another crime boss so that Latika wouldn't have to worry about him. But why the tub full of money? I'm guessing it was to suggest that the only ways to make it out of slums was with luck on a game show or a life of crime, but that point would've been pretty obvious without the cash bath.

If you've seen the film, feel free to comment on anything. I always enjoy a good movie discussion. And, for something completely different, I just wanted to share this fun Jeopardy clip that I came across while looking for the Cheers one. Jai ho!

Tales from Puerto Rico- Day 1

I recently returned from a week of fun in the sun in Puerto Rico, and it's time to recant the merriment. Tom, Michelle, Julie and I had no problems flying down. From Minneapolis to Atlanta I listened to the 80s station (XM radio on the plane) and our group basically had the back 1/3 of the plane to ourselves from Atl to P.R. Tom mentioned "Snakes on a Plane" before we took off, so I basically had this stuck in my head for the rest of the trip.

Our first destination was "Aleli by the Sea" in Condado. It wasn't fancy, basically just enough room in the place for a few beds and a shower to wash the sand off our feet. It was right off the beach, though, so we spent the rest of our day throwing the disc around on the beach and splashing around in the ocean.

That evening we wandered out for dinner and it started to drizzle. For some reason, a ton of restaurants were closed on Tuesdays. We found one place to duck into that was part ice-cream shop, part restaurant. Sitting on the balcony, we enjoyed some tostados, which were mashed up and fried plantains. They were kinda tasteless- almost like fried... breading? Fried mashed potatoes? Whatever, we dipped them in the mayo ketchup and washed it down with the local beer Medalla.

Outside the rain started coming down a little harder, and across the street where a building was under construction a generator or transformer or something was shooting off sparks. It was a neat show and then BOOM! It exploded! It sounded like a gun went off and the group jumped as the waiter happily delivered another round of Medallas and exclaimed, "Happy 4th of July!"Dinner and a show!

Later during the meal it exploded again. A truck came out to check it out and fix some downed power lines, and as we finished our meal our waiter said, "They fixed it up, Puerto Rico style. It'll be good until tomorrow, just don't touch it!" By then the rain had stopped and we made our way back to our lodging for some cards (and more Medalla), noting that some transformers immediately outside our balcony were sparking a bit too, and then concluded the day with a night stroll along the beach.

Tales from Puerto Rico- Day 2, Part 1

Day 2 we were awakened by the sound of construction and trucks backing up (BEEP, BEEP, BEEP) and made our way to the bus stop intending to check out Old San Juan. We waited quite a long time and the bus never came. Restaurants are closed on Tuesday, buses don't run Wednesday. So we took a cab and explored the city. There are two forts in Old San Juan: San Cristobal and San Felipe. At San Cristobal I climbed atop a stack of cannon balls, tried to lock Julie and Michelle in a dungeon in the tunnels under the fort, and got a good view over Old San Juan.


We could've taken a trolley over to San Felipe, but it was a pretty nice day, so we walked across a huge open field, from which we could see the Bacardi factory. After a rest on the grass, we checked out San Felipe, "El Muro" ("The Wall"). I thought this would be a sweet nickname, but my traveling buddies refused to acknowledge me as "El Muro". After exploring the second fort we grabbed lunch and went back to Condado to meet Tim whose plane had just arrived in Puerto Rico.

Tales from Puerto Rico- Day 2, Part 2

We joined up with Tim and his rental car and headed off to catch the World Baseball Classic game, Netherlands vs. the hometown team. Unfortunately we didn't have enough time to make "Circle me Bert" signs.

The streets were jammed, and it took awhile to find some parking, plus the drivers in Puerto Rico are crazy! This old lady refused to let us merge into a turn lane, so Tim forced his way in there, and she immediately swerved out and pulled up along side our car and yelled, "GOD BLESS YOU! I will come to your country and do that to YOU!" And then she drove away. Thanks, crazy old lady!

Outside the stadium fans were trying to get in. There were hundreds of fans merging into the two open windows for will call tickets. Tom and Michelle braved the crowd while the rest of the group stood back and enjoyed the chaos of it all. When we finally got in it was clear that there were more bleacher seat tickets sold than there were actual bleacher seats. O well. We just joined the rest of the crowd in the aisles and stood and clapped and sang and cheered for pretty much the entire game. Puerto Rico was ahead the entire game, and Netherlands never really threatened, but when their team was in the field the crowd was ecstatic with every routine out, and when their team was at bat they went even crazier with every routine hit. I think Michelle and Julie were on ESPN at one point.

In the end, Puerto Rico won 5-0, the Puerto Rican team marched around and waved to the crowd, and there were fireworks. 2-for-2 with the explosions!

Tales from Puerto Rico- Days 3 and 4

Thursday we woke up in peace- no construction on Thursdays. Madalla had gotten us this far, but it was time to turn things up a notch. Off to the Bacardi factory! There were really just three buildings there: gift shop/bar/sign in desk, visitor's center, and the factory itself. We signed up for the tour and got our drink tickets and then were shuffled onto a trolley to take us a short distance to the visitor's center. There we saw some mosaics depicting Christopher Columbus and some pirates being drunken rum fanatics, then a video about the Bacardi family, then some replica barrels and smelled some eau de rum. We were taught about the ingredients in a Mojito and a Cuba Libre, and then jumped back on the trolley. Here we rolled towards the factory and the guide said, "On your left is the Bacardi factory" and then we drove straight back to the gift shop! Nice tour! O well, it was free, and then we each got two free drinks at the bar. I had an "Ultimo" Cuba Libre (12-yr-old Bacardi Rum and Coke, as opposed to the regular Cuba Libre with regular Bacardi), and then a Bacardi cocktail (Bacardi Limon, 7Up and cranberry juice).

After the tour we bought some Bacardi and took a ferry back to Old San Juan and wandered around a bit for lunch. We had some mufongo, which is a mushier way to enjoy fried plantains (also pretty tasteless). After that we just enjoyed some more Frisbee on the beach and then jumping around the waves. The waves were pretty huge, and it was fun (and painful sometimes) to duck under them and get pushed back to shore, or to jump and be lifted up by them. It felt like I had a huge vertical. After that we picked up Marie from the airport, grabbed dinner, and then went to a bar where a live band was playing. They mixed in some U2 and Lenny Kravitz among their Spanish rockin'.

Friday there was an explosion outside (3 for 4!) as whatever was sparking from Tuesday night finally blew. Cool. We checked out of Aleli by the Sea and headed off for Luquillo. This setup was pretty sweet. We had a little apartment that, again, looked right at the beach. I'm pretty sure we spent that day on the beach, in the water, and drinking rum. Not much to report, but a fun day anyway.

Tales from Puerto Rico- Day 5, Part 1

Saturday started with a trip to "El Yunque", the local rain forest. I later learned that "El Yunque" means "The Anvil" (another good nickname?). We spent many hours hiking around the anvil. Lots of rocks and trees and green. We heard plenty of birds and frogs but didn't really see any wildlife. Tim and I would hear frog and/or bird noises and imitate it back by whistling. By the end of the day we were pretty sure that tourists were just in different parts of the rain forest whistling at each other, thinking that birds or animals were responding.

We climbed a ton, and got to the top of a few peaks. I left my camera back at the apartment but the crew took some swell photos. I think they make it look cloudier than it really was, and don't truly capture how high we really hiked. We were able to get a grand view of Puerto Rico and the entire rain forest.
Making our way down from the peaks took awhile, but then we found our way to the waterfalls and splashed around a bit. I only dipped my legs in- It was cold!

Tales from Puerto Rico- Day 5, Part 2, and the rest

After the rain forest we grabbed some grub and prepared to meet Dave and Glady (some amigos also in Puerto Rico! Bonus!) for a night kayak adventure. This was my favorite part of the whole trip. I was a bit nervous because I haven't really kayaked ever, but the water was calm and pretty shallow, so no problems there. We paddled through a pretty narrow creek into the bioluminescent bay. Here there are a bunch of algae things that light up whenever they're touched. they do this because shimp feed on them, and when they feel movement they light up so that the fish will swim over and eat the fish, thereby saving the little glowing algae from the shrimp. In this bay, anytime you paddled or splashed or moved, the water would light up. Then you could also see glowing streaks shoot through the water as fish swam through the water or when shrimp scattered. It was like seeing/causing fireworks in the water! (Kind of explodey. I'm counting it. 4/5 days.) Tim had some photos of us kayakers, but I need to get those from him still. That night my arms and shoulders were pretty sore from paddling (and using my paddle to accidentally/constantly splash Marie and Julie).

After that it was pretty unadventurous. I had a cold and stayed pretty grounded on Sunday- getting in a long nap and staying pretty much in the apartment. It was rainy in the morning and evening anyway, so I only missed out on the sunny afternoon, and I got in some reading.

Monday, with better health, we checked out and headed back to Condado. We managed to find a good deal at the Hilton Caribe, so had a pretty swank location for the remainder of the vacation. They had parrots in the foyer, and swans and peacocks roaming around the garden. In the water was a giant trampoline, and a giant iceberg/climbing wall thing. You climbed up the side and then could slide or jump off. We watched a kid slip and do a total belly flop on Monday, which was hilarious. Tuesday morning Tom slipped off and nearly landed on my head, which was less funny. Again, the pic doesn't do justice to the size (that's me lying on the top). Pretty fun though, as Monday and Tuesday were sunny and perfect for goofing around in the water. I put sunscreen on every day in Puerto Rico, but missed a spot on Tuesday and now have a red streak on my belly. O well, it was worth it. I'm sure I forgot some stories over the week, but I think you got most of the highlights. Hooray for a great vacation!

Shotguns defeat zombies. Zombies defeat hiccups.

So a few weeks ago my frisbee team was at the bar and someone had to sneeze and another person said, "Put your arms up!" And we were all like, "What?" and they said "Yeah, you put your arms up for sneezes and your arms straight forward if you have the hiccups!"

At first I thought he was just making that up, but then I thought, Hey, man, have I ever seen a zombie with hiccups? F**k no, I haven't. And you know why? Because they hold their arms out straight forward!

That was a couple weeks ago. Just a minute ago I started to hiccup. I hiccupped once, hiccupped twice, remembered to hold my arms out like a zombie, AND THE HICCUPS STOPPED! Hooray for zombies.

Mid-Show Oscar Notes

So I'm currently watching the Oscars and there are three nominees for best visual effects. Batman, Iron Man, and Benjamin Button are the nominees. And the winner is... Benjamin Button!

I won't go into a tirade or anything, especially since I haven't seen Ben Button yet (but I will someday), but really? Is making Brad Pitt look old visually more impressive than either of the comic book movies? Putting super heroes, super villains, and super cool explodey things on screen is visually impressive. Putting an old person on screen? Maybe not so much.

Hooray for Heath Ledger getting the Best Supporting Actor. He won tonight and he won at the Golden Globes as well, and both times the camera panned to Robert Downey Jr. looking kinda pissed. Boo on the academy for not even nominating Dark Knight for Best Picture. Why they gotta hate?

And, before I get back to the show, the next movie I want to see has got to be Slumdog Millionaire. I wanted to see it before, and want to see it even more now to see if it lives up to the Best Editing award (I like editing).

I hope Harvey reads my book

I was surprised last month when I received an unexpected royalty check from my Amazon Kindle book sales. Shortly thereafter I guess Kindle 2 was released, and there was some news about how it's got a text-to-speech feature that might be illegal due to rights authors have over audio books, or something like that. Me personally, I think it's cool. I don't have Kindle, or Kindle 2, and don't plan on getting one, but I'd be stoked to see/hear the Kindle 2 reading a copy of my book. I wonder what it sounds like. My initial thoughts were of a Speak & Spell? That'd be kinda funny, hearing the Speak & Spell voice reciting stories about my Japanese kids drop kicking and strangling each other in the blinds. I pretty much hope it'd go exactly like this.

Wanna hear the worst mashup ever?

You know the part in Ferris Bueller's Day Off when Ferris is playing the recorder really poorly and he pauses to say, "Never had one lesson"? Yeah, I wish this sounded that good.

Anyway, here's how the mashup adventure has gone so far.

I downloaded a free trial of Acid Pro software. I opened it up, pushed some buttons, made some of my music sound fast and high pitched like Alvin and the chipmunks were singing, laughed, then got scared, then didn't touch the software for about a week.

I started reading up on how to make a mashup online. Most of the "Mashup 101" information out on the inter-web is still way beyond me. One tip I found said to get vocals-only versions of songs, and instrumental versions of songs, and just mix those together. So I looked around and found a vocals-only version of some Korn song. I'm not a Korn fan, but I just wanted something to play around with, and that was pretty much the first thing I found. Now I just needed an instrumental of something. The online experts recommended mixing raps songs. I found an instrumental of "So this is Love" from Disney's Cinderella. That's like rap, right?

Just putting those two together was kinda boring, so I started adding songs from my playlist and clicking on buttons. I took the intro to Puddle of Mudd's "Psycho" and managed to cut it up and play it over and over again. Then I added Cake's cover of "War Pigs", and pretty much just cut up and slid around the 4 songs to create this steaming pile.

Yes, it's terrible, I know. But, there are some things about it that I liked (or, at least, parts of making the mashup I liked) . Looping the Puddle of Mudd intro for the first minute I thought was fun. I need to learn how to fade in and out of songs better. I cut out the middle of the Korn song and put it at the beginning, and put the beginning of the song later. Crazy, I know. That was fun, even though the actual lyrics themselves are pretty gloomy (Yeah, suicide, kill the pain, rock on!). I thought there were okay transitions for "War Pigs" (at 0:38 and 0:50). The Cinderella waltz comes in at 0:54. After that point I didn't really do much except add a few more "Psycho" chords.

By the the time I got that far with the project I was sleepy and went to bed. I'll continue playing with the trial version and maybe improve on my technique, and can post anything else I create/mangle.

Mashy points

Once again I'm writing with no particular purpose, but I felt I needed to do some writing tonight. Reader beware: I've had a long day and I'm polishing off a bottle of vodka. Thoughts may be random, at best.

Lately I've been listening to a mashup I came across by DJ Earworm. First point- that's a pretty decent DJ name. It's kinda gross, but it also makes perfect sense in a lot of ways.

Anyway, it's a mashup of the top TWENTY-FIVE pop songs off of the Billboard charts from 2008.

Point 2- I love mashups. Usually it's only a couple songs or a few songs, but I like them because I'm a editing nerd. I appreciate creative editing. I like looking at (or listening to) existing creations that are turned into something new. Sometimes it's better, sometime's it's worse, usually it's fun. This particular mashup impressed me because it combined 25 songs in a pretty coherent way. Sure, some of them were super heavily favored over others, but it's still cool. I'm big on creative editing in general. I think that's why I liked Michael Moore's "Bowling for Columbine"- whether you like Moore or not, you gotta admit that the editing on that film is outstanding.

Point 3- At 28, I think I'm old now. I only recognized maybe three of these songs. (I recognized about half of the artists, so at least that's something, but still). When did I get so out of touch? The song I knew the best was in there for only a second (3:08 - "Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven). Maybe because it's so heavy on the hip-hop.

Side note- I saw Finger Eleven play at the Taste of Minesota in 2008. I got there right before Seether went on, and Finger Eleven closed with "Paralyzer", a cover of Pink Floyd's "The Wall", and then "Paralyzer" again.

Point 4- There was a song years ago that made me think I might want to listen to more Alicia Keys, but I never did, and this reminded me of that. (Searching around I think it was "Fallin'". Wasn't that her first hit? Gosh I feel old).

Point 5- I've been trying to think of new hobbies or activities for 2009, and I think making mashups would be fun. I don't think I could put together anything this big, but I'd like to give it a try. I looked up "How to make a mashup" on Google Search and one of the first results was "How to make a good soup."

Ideas Man

Sometimes right before I fall asleep, or when waking up in the middle of the night, I'll come up with some ideas/dreams for stories or poems or blogs (Dream I). I keep a post-it pad and a pen in the top drawer of my nightstand to scratch down these thoughts. Most of the stuff is written down at 4am without my glasses and turns looks like "ircusinopliv". I have no idea what that means, and it bothers me that that particular thought was probably really awesome or original and is lost now. O well. Anyway, some of my New Year's resolutions are to eat healthier and write more, so I've just started the process of copying all my post-it ideas to my computer. I know this isn't a funny post or anything, but just thought I'd share. Please post any cool resolutions of your own.

Cat Burgler

Taped above the mailboxes in my apartment building was the following note:

On Tuesday I rented a live trap to catch the black kitten who was seen living in our garage. Within 1/2 hour someone stole the trap. I am sad that someone would do that, causing me to incur a $70 rental charge, not to mention that I don't know if that person also has the cat. Please contact apartment ### if you have information.

I don't know why, but this made me laugh. They're sad because of the rental charge for the missing trap and, o yeah, DID YOU ALSO STEAL THE CAT? I have visions of the Janitor from Scrubs creating an army of taxidermied animals.

So Carl Pohlad's dead

Carl Pohlad is dead, and all over the Star Tribune writers and people are all like, "Boo-hoo, he was the best!" and praising him for his loyalty and how he was a great owner and blah blah blah. Please.

Sorry if this sounds cold. I'm not saying I'm glad he's dead or anything. I just wish he wasn't the owner of the Twins for about the last 15 years. Pohlad was the cheapest owner a baseball team could have. Over the years we've lost players like David Ortiz, Torii Hunter and Johan Santana because of Pohlad's cheapness. I remember him threatening to sell/move/contract the team, and I hated having him as an owner.

I read all sorts of praise about how the Twins are so competitive and won championships with their small payroll. Yeah? We haven't won it all since 1991, and when we've made the playoffs, how many times have we advanced past the first round? Every year we're looking for that one big bat that could bring everything together, and every year we get someone cheap who's washed up, terrible, or Nick Punto.

Pitchers and catchers report to training camp in 6 weeks, likely with "CP" patches on their jerseys or caps, and in April the Twins will open the 2009 season in the Dome and have tributes and banners for him. I doubt much will change (his kid Jim Pholad's running the team now I guess), but who knows. Maybe the boy will spend some of dad's billions and in a few years will look back and see this as real turning point for the franchise.