If you've made the journey down to the HHH Metrodome to catch a Twins game, I'm sure you've noticed all the red banners located between the upper and lower decks. The red banners have a Twins player's number and some sort of clever group name associated with them. I don't know if these are the player's individual charity groups or kids clubs or what, but they're pretty charming. Joe Mauer's banner says "Mauer's Minnies," for example.
But the recent exodus of Twins players has me worried. "Mauer's Minnies" are safe behind the plate (the banners are typically situated around the stadium according to the player's positions), but what of the many groups who have lost their leader? The beloved Torii Hunter left the Twins for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. I was crushed by the loss, but I can only imagine what "Hunter's Homies" are going through. Have you seen Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? There's a scene where a witchdoctor or crazy priest or something pulls the still-beating heart out of a victim's chest. There is a void in the Twins outfield, and a soul-wrenching black hole in the sternums of the "Homies."
But next time you "pour some out for your lost homies," make sure you buy a pretty big bottle, because you'll be pouring for a few more abandoned affiliations. It appears as if Johan Santana is heading to New York, and the soon-to-be-orphaned "JoJo's Niños" wipe their teary eyes and ask, "¿usted no me ama?" ("You don't love me?"). Univision is already working on the emotional TV miniseries.
Not as popular as the aforementioned legions was "Ortiz' What's Up? Group." Yes, this was the best they could come up with for "Little Papi" Ramon Ortiz. Hunter and JoJo's children had several seasons to grow up cheering for their assigned idols, but the "What's Up? Group" was very much in it's early infancy. Perhaps this group was mercifully aborted before it fully developed.
While Ortiz' departure may not emotionally scar as many children as the bigger stars' groups, it sure will make my trips to the Homer Dome a little less mirthful. Late in the 2007 season I remember watching Ramon take the mound in a relief appearance. (I believe it was against the Detroit Tigers, so for the purposes of this retelling, I'll use some Detroit players' names). Ortiz was outstanding in his one inning of work, striking out the side. My buddy and I exalted in the performance, and let the Tigers hitters know about it. After each strike three called, we bellowed, "WHAT'S UP GARY SHEFFIELD?!" "WHAT'S UP CARLOS GUILLEN?!" "WHAT'S UP SEAN CASEY?!" It was the $6.00 beers talking. With Ortiz' departure, I'm sure I'll still drink and yell, but I won't be letting Sheffield know "what's up" in 2008.
But these don't even address the scariest loss. My hope is that the "Homies" and the "Niños" will fill some of the void with a litte extra cotton candy or a few more dome dogs. A fortunate few may be adopted by Joe Mauer and become a "Minnie." And even the "What's Up? Group" will be able to drown their sorrows with enough ridiculously expensive Miller Lite (I really want to make a fetal-alcohol syndrome joke here... is that wrong?). The horrifying question is what will happen with Lew Ford's "Lew's CPUs"?
The "CPUs" were well controlled by evil-genius Ford while he was still in uniform. He leaves to go play in Japan, and while Japan is well equipped to handle any possible revolt of a legion of robots, I'm not so sure Minnesota is. If Lew took his army with him, we'll be fine. If they were left behind, like "Hunter's Homies" or "JoJo's Niños," I shudder at the possibilities. A scorned child worries me little. A scorned killer robot Hell-bent on revenge terrifies me.
Let's hope that newly-acquired Delmon Young enlists "Delmon's Destroyers" or "Delmon's Deactivators" to adress this possible problem. I'm looking forward to the baseball season already.
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