D War

I watched a ton of terrible movies over the weekend. The best/worst of them might have been Dragon Wars. I'm not sure if I loved it or hated it. Horrible acting and script, but I sure did laugh a lot at how stupid it was.

The story is that a couple giant lizards need a twenty-year-old girl in order to become a dragon and there's a good lizard and a bad lizard and they can only transform every 500 years or something. I wasn't too clear on this. Were they supposed to eat the girl or what?

We get a whole back story of the last time the lizards tried to get the girl in 1505 from some wise old reincarnated guy who sells antiques. Wise old guys are always in antique stores or dusty libraries or something along those lines (Neverending Story, Gremlins, Highlander, etc.). Anyway, the lizard things are called "Inoogi," and this made me think of Planes, Trains and Automobiles-

Marti Page: Mom, is Grandpa Walter going to give me noogies?
Susan Page: Of course he's going to give you noogies. He loves giving you noogies. That's how he tells you he loves you.
Little Neal Page: Why doesn't he give me noogies?
Susan Page: Because you get Indian burns.
Little Neal Page: But I prefer noogies.

I pretty much had that running through my head the whole movie.

Throughout the film there's a bad guy walking around who I think is trying to help the bad Inoogi. Not really clear. He gets hit by TWO cars and is a cross between the bad guy from Highlander and Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. One of my favorite things about the film is that they kind of make up Mortal Kombat super powers as they go along. Here's the bad guy, and he can walk through walls and shoot LOTS of fire and create magic swords and... should we have him haunt peoples' dreams like Freddy Krueger? Sure, he'll do that too. And the antique dealer can shape shift and meditate.

My absolute favorite thing about the movie is that they pick on homeless people for no reason. The bad guy (Shredder) walks through a wall and then a homeless lady is like, "Huh?" and tries to walk through the wall and hits her head and falls down. (1) There was NO REASON to include that! Awesome! (2) I think his scene takes place in someone's dream sequence, so it may not have really happened in reality, just as comic relief in someone's nightmare ... or destiny dream ... or something.

The 20-year-old girl of destiny comes home feeling sick and hangs up Chinese protection words everywhere. Her roommate says, "Wazzup?" Destiny girl says, "Terrible things of destiny are going to happen." Roommate says, "you should lie down and then we should go drinking." Destiny girl says, "But the ONLY thing that can keep me safe are these pieces of paper with Chinese words that I put up everywhere." Roommate says, "Lie down and then drink with me!" Destiny girl, "Okay, sounds good!"

They go out and Destiny girl feels sick and goes home and has a nightmare with Shredder and calls an ambulance. The ambulance picks her up and drives to the hospital, and on the way it drives through a HUGE puddle to splash a homeless guy sleeping by some trash cans. WHY? Why go out of your way to do this?!

Shredder helps the bad Inoogi chase the girl the whole movie and the army blows up the city. All the helicopter pilots look fat and inept. They put a zoo keeper in an insane asylum (that was the most annoying part of the movie) because he was the only one who saw the Inoogi. I hope insane asylums really work this way:

Psychiatrist: Did you really see a giant snake?
Zoo Keeper: Yes!
Psychiatrist: Then lock him up!
Zoo Keeper: I mean... no.
Psychiatrist: Then you're free to go!
Zoo Keeper: Sweet! And I meant yes.
Psychiatrist: Okay, you're crazy. Lock him up!

The good Inoogi isn't a factor until the end. It's like he didn't care that the bad Inoogi was chasing the girl of destiny. I also didn't care. If my blog today seems a bit scattered and confusing, I did a good job of recapturing the essence of the film. This movie was really bad. And awesome.
5 stars.